Bartholomeow might be a hip alley cat now, but he was born a humble mouser on Hoyle Dempsey’s westside cow farm. He’s not ashamed of his humble roots. He even goes back to visit from time to time. Sometimes he comes back with mushrooms. He must have eaten the mother load last Friday. I found Bartholomeow laying on his back in a patch of bahia grass growing up from a crack in the sidewalk. I asked him what he was doing and he said something I didn’t really understand about the cosmos, harmony, and chaos. I thought maybe I could get a contact high, so I laid down on the sidewalk next to him and tried to share his perspective.
As we lay on the sidewalk and stared up into the night sky, Bartholomeow passed me a roach and shared with me a beautiful vision. He said that there was a hurricane coming. I closed my eyes and imagined the deluge. I felt this little electric shock on the side of my head, and realized that Bartholomeow had stuck his curved claw into my temple. Suddenly, everything became clear.
Old Jacksonville’s time is up. The balance is leveling and soon it will swing the other way. The cosmos, once indifferent to our insignificance, is turning hostile in the face of the imminent threat to existence that is Old Jacksonville. There is a new order on the horizon. Bartholomeow asked me to stop Bogarting the roach. I fumbled the pass. read more…
Whacksonville Stickers Make You Cool
Stop yearning to be cool in 2010 and steer the helm of your destiny round the horn of radness.
Do you have a whiny b-friend / g-friend that needs special reassurance on V-day? Get them a Whacksonville.com vinyl art promotional decoration with adhesive.
Send an e-mail to whacksonville@gmail.com, including your mailing address, and some pathetic intern will stuff one of these b&w beauties into an envelope and mail it to you for FREE.
FRIDAY:
• Back to the Future 2 @ 5 pts Theatre: 11 p.m. – $5 (Click here for our full coverage)
• Neil Hamburger @ TSI (YouTube)
• Chris Spohn + Chris Phillips @ Walker’s: 9:30 p.m. (YouTube)
SATURDAY:
• Infinitesmal BBQ VI @ YESTERDAY’S (!!) on Park & Dancy – FREE – Featuring Wudun, Digdog, Honey Chamber, Tuffy, Kevin Newberry, 2416, Memphibians, Borromakat, Beloved Binge, and The Great Working
• John Mayer @ Veteran’s Memorial Arena – $800
A Skizzily Face
What the hell are yall skizzily faces trying to get into this weekend? Yeah yeah, I know, I know. All the cool people are gonna go meet up at the SJTC Farmers’ Market around lunchtime and take it from there. Probably hit up the Northstar Substation for some inedible hijinx and hillarious ghostwhispering. I know. read more…
- A dream or illusion had haunted Lincoln at times through the winter. On the evening of his election he had thrown himself on one of the haircloth sofas at home, just after the first telegrams of November 7 had told him he was elected President, and looking into a bureau mirror across the room he saw himself full length, but with two faces.
- It bothered him; he got up; the illusion vanished; but when he lay down again there in the glass again were two faces, one paler than the other. He got up again, mixed in the election excitement, forgot about it; but it came back, and haunted him. He told his wife about it; she worried too.
- A few days later he tried it once more and the illusion of the two faces again registered to his eyes. But that was the last; the ghost since then wouldn’t come back, he told his wife, who said it was a sign he would be elected to a second term, and the death pallor of one face meant he wouldn’t live through his second term.
Blogger and Performance Artist Mario Whingri Kickflipped Into Our Heart at I'm Bored IV, on 2/3/10
Photo source | Jacksonville.com
Our Jax Dot Comrades Tossed Us a Bone
Check this radshit out! As it happens, humble whacksonville.com admirers jacksonville.com were kind enough to make us a sweetass Haleigh Cummings Family Timeline.
We think the TU should print trading cards and send them out this Sunday with the paper. It might just drum up paper sales.
What a sad and sordid affair. How utterly Florida. Does it make you proud/sad for your homestate to see stories like this picked apart by morons like CNN’s Nancy Grace, who have probably never even seen an aligator before? read more…
As I sit here in the 2046 watching my grandkids fail and not realize that I am their grandfather, I have a flashback. Not a cool flashback but a pathetic one.
I saved Doc. I did it because I felt a sense of loyalty to him. When I saved him, I created more problems. read more…
Neil Won't Be Appearing
Gringo Star
Port O’Brien
Yelawolf
Yesterday’s Ring
Cheap Girls
Sunbears
We Are the Union
Christina Wagner
Lighthouse Music
Antarctic
Glorious Johnson read more…
JSO Officers Apprehending Randy Bottoms Last Summer
Apparently, Sgt. Marc E. Garza, 43, and Officer David Michael Cervone, 32, were charged today with “going to a suspected drug house, not finding anything incriminating and then making it look like a burglary.” read more…
Have you been sitting at you computer, your palms sweating and greased up, just waiting for the untimely return of Randy Bottoms? I know you. You probably forgot all about his sassy attitude, his salty altitude, and his pet albatross, Sissy. Turns out he hasn’t been sitting on his ass the whole time, doing nothing and loving everything. No. No. Not at all. Turns out that I just took a little break to reset my brain and my typing fingers. Not to mention the time that I ran out into the rain, searching for a shred of truth in the this thing we call life. read more…
Elephant Man
What is good and what is crap? How the hell should I know? I’m just some ancient bro with slightly elevated cholesterol and a smokin hot wife. I do know a few things, though. Oh yes I do. Like 4 or 5 or so.
Is anyone going to watch TV’s Lost tonight? I feel like Lost is something I could almost give a shit about. Kinda like dubstep. Am I really supposed to go out and get a box of Peach White Owls just cuz some dillhole slowed down all his jungle records?
Remember jungle? read more…
This is a picture of people having fun at Square One in San Marco:
Are “Friends” Electric @ Square One – Photo via iamhappenstance.blogspot.com
This picture honestly just gave me 400 girl boners. Liam Happenstance’s approach to club photography normally leans towards almost-upskirts of under-21s or close-ups of girls’ regrettable tattoos–and there’s nothing wrong with this. When communications majors from the Melrose come downtown to get their hoe stroll on, nothing makes them feel more big-city/fuckable than getting to pose for hot, Facebook-perfect club photos. Wherever girls are ready to drop to the floor, put on their DUCKFACE, and hump a bottle of champagne, a dude with a camera will be there. If you’re lucky, that dude will be Liam.
Liam’s a pretty good photographer and it’s apparent he’ll photograph just about anyone who asks. That’s where the above image comes in. These absolute weirdos are not typical club photo fodder and I REALLY LIKE THESE PEOPLE. What do we notice about them?
1. The girl in the middle looks EXACTLY LIKE JACKÉE HARRY
2. Face jewels.
3. The lipstick equivalent of the half black, half white guys from Star Trek.
4. An otherwise too-normal-for-these-chicks dude whose inner freak is betrayed by his tiny hoop earring.
5. Whimsical head accessories.
DISCUSSION: Is this picture a Happenstance version of the racial allegory from the very Star Trek episode that the girl’s lipstick references? When Jaquée and an earring dude get together to party, is the result a kind of rainbow mime that transcends classification?
We’ve got a crowded field for the upcoming Mayoral race. The leading candidates have already raised over $100,000
each, and there’s plenty more where that came from. Raising money is easy if you A) are a rich asshole, B) know a lot of rich assholes, C) are in the pocket of the developers, D) are a religious nut job. Can we please pretty please with sugar on top have a candidate who is none of the above? I won’t get excited about the Mayoral race until one of the following Jacksonville icons announces their candidacy:
- Safari Sam (KC Fox for Sheriff)
- Lil Duval
- Quad City DJs
- Exhumed Bodies of Lynard Skynard
- Ottis Toole
I’m not holding my breath but it would be nice if there was an independent read more…
Since your favorite Friday brain-pals Carnie and Howie have apparently gone for all day brain-naps. This dude’s
gonna have to tell you the joke of the century: Q) How do you have fun in Jacksonville on Friday night? A) Redneck Drugs + Driving fast, or get drunk and screwing or CL Rants and Raves. read more…
Also go see our BFFs National Diary and The Ryan Johnson Blues Explosion at the Devil’s Playground. Special consideration to: JaxScene and Haiku Dude.
Sometimes I feel so tired I wonder if I am even awake at all or just swimming through some lame work dream. I’m kinda scared I might one day walk into the office without any pants on or wearing a baseball uniform and holding a tire iron. read more…
Black Dan Hicken
As you may remember, I was last hiding from my creditors sometime during ww2. Most notable of this era, is the limited availability of silk. I need a silk scarf to hide as woman in case more people come back.
Nobody really likes the music you would figure. I haven’t heard “Boogy Woogy Bugle Boy from Company B” on the radio, and I know it’s out. read more…
I have a confession. For the past couple of months I have not been riding my bike for recreation or sport. I’ve been pedaling strictly for utility. It makes me look at my bicycle from an unfortunate perspective. Don’t get me wrong, pedaling for utility is noble, humane, and descent. Billions around the world are privileged to ride for no other reason. But when I’m only commuting or running errands or just using my bike for transportation, I forget how much fun I can have on it. I forget the awesome spiritual power of the world’s greatest invention. read more…
