whacksonville.com

Frankly, I’m disappointed in the way you handled 2009. Your dearth of wit, creativity, and general excellence made the planet a little browner and sadder. This is how come God took Alicia Silverstone from us and made the Jaguars so embarrassing. Your bullshit threatens MY quality of life and it will not stand any longer. THIS IS WHY THERE IS NO MERCY IN 2010.  Here are your 2010 resolutions:

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• In 2010, you will not endure mediocrity. You will call bullshit and not fear the consequences. Abiding stupidity makes you stupid too–and you will no longer tolerate it from yourself or others.

• In 2010, you will be nicer.  Make a list of 10 people who you don’t really know but see every week at the grocery store/in the bar/on the sidewalk. Smile at them and wave. Say hi. Get over yourself, you small-town dick. This is Jacksonville, not New Fuckingyork.

• In 2010, you will be a huge dick.  Call shenanigans and do it often.  Spare no feelings.  If you’re afraid to express your dislikes, it means you’re an unconfident ninny who’s scared that people won’t like you if they know what you’re really about.  Quit wasting my oxygen supply.

• In 2010, being earnest won’t cut it.  Enthusiasm void of quality, complexity, charm, or humor belongs in the garbage.  It doesn’t matter how hard you try or how much you care–if what you do blows, it doesn’t count.

• In 2010, you will stop being a whiny little poo poo pants baby. As a child of the 1980′s, you were most likely brought up to believe that trying hard is good enough. You were raised to expect unconditional praise and support, no matter how much you suck in reality. Own your lameness and fix it or shut up.

• In 2010, you won’t hoot for bands you don’t like. You won’t pretend to like boring, derivative artwork. You won’t pay a ridiculous cover to get into a bar that doesn’t serve liquor. You won’t allow the Riverside Herpes to extend its tentacles any further. You’ll ride your expensive bike more because I’m tired of looking at your disgusting gut. You will cuss more and start more fights. You will stop looking up to cheesy yuppie businessmen who buy their cool points, dumb down our local culture, and thirst for your money.

Whacksonville is the new Riverside,

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